a birthday note: this is 29

August 21, 2018

today is my 29th birthday.  my last year in my twenties.  what.  the.  actual.  fuck!

excuse my language.  i mean, not really.  #sorrynotsorry  bc that is my total mood.  how am i 29?!  wasn't i just 18 last year?

i guess that's how time works.  it just keeps on passing by, whether we are ready or not.  and i find myself not feeling ready.  at all.  see, because when i was a little girl, i always dreamed of the day that i could be an adult.  play house in my own home.  travel around.  and here i am...being an adult, playing house and traveling around!  when the heck did that even happen?!  well, technically it happened the day i got married, but i digress ;)

the point is, here i am...entering the last year of my twenties and really feeling all of the feels.  all of the "i'm not ready yet",  "but wait, can i just get a little more time"...

28 was probably one of the hardest years of my life.  for many, many different reasons but i've grown so, so much in this past year.  i went through a lot of super dark times privately.  by myself.  because i had to go through them.  and because i hate sharing the bad with anyone.  i'm the person that locks herself in the bathroom for hours just to cry because i never want anyone to see me crying.  not even my husband.

i've realized that i am no longer that young, naive 18 year old, exploring the world for the very first time.  i've been living my life super robotic, doing the things that i thought i was supposed to do.  not necessarily doing the things that i wanted to do.  not giving any true thought to anything.  allowing others to dictate how i should feel or what i should be doing at this stage of my life.

see, in that 28th year of my life, i found my voice.  i found out who i was.  who i want to be.  i learned how to set boundaries.  i still struggle enforcing them, and i get frustrated with myself and others.  but if i center myself, i know how to set them.  i learned how not to care about your feelings if they directly contradict how i feel.  i will no longer apologize for putting myself first and i do not owe you an explanation.   i learned how to say no.  i learned that it was ok that certain people were no longer in my life.  i learned that if i want something in life, i need to go after it.  and fight for it because no one is going to fight for me.  (that was a hard one for me to learn!)

i have zero expectations for this next year, this last year of my twenties.  i just want to continue growing.  continue blooming into a woman i can be proud of.  and fuck, i am so proud of myself!

cheers to me! happy birthday to me!

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